I Choose Hope

It’s approaching 2 years since my dad passed away.  It still baffles me at times.  I feel like I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand this side of Heaven why he was taken that day.  It doesn’t mean that the wounds are healed completely; the scars remain.  The grief is not as intense and the “roller coaster” does not have as many ups and downs.  I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him, though, and…

It breaks my heart…especially for my girls.  They have lost so much.  It’s hard to explain the level of pain felt when you miss your own dad for yourself but then it is compounded because you miss him for your own kids.  There are so many things that he will miss out on that I know he would have been there for because I remember my own grandparents being there for me.  For my kids, though, it’s more than just my dad….it’s James’s parents too…his dad passed away before we were married, and his mom has been gone 7 years now, and great-grandparents.  It’s hard to comprehend why the girls have lost so much. 

It’s so hard to see the tears of your daughter on prom because grandpa isn’t there to see her in her dress.  Or at dance recital during ballet when I am brought  to tears watching a daughter dance in her pointe shoes, knowing how proud they would have been of her. 

It pains me so much.  In this pain, though, I have to make a choice…numbness or hope. 

I choose hope.  I choose to remember that all things work together for good.  I choose to remember how many other amazing people my kids have in their lives.  I choose to remember we are not alone and that God has provided for us.  He has not left us alone.  My children still have Bev and my mother and her husband in their lives.  I choose to acknowledge the pain instead of becoming numb.  Numbness is scary. 

I choose to look to the Heavens for the strength during these times instead of letting the numbness take over.  God promises that He will not give us more than we can handle.  He also promises that He has amazing plans for our futures;   plans for us to prosper.  During the times when I miss my dad and others the most, I have to remember this.  Because, honestly, how else do you comfort a child who is missing their loved one on a day when you don’t want them to be sad?  There is no other way but to turn to God.  What an amazing opportunity to remind our kids that there are pains on this Earth that we will never understand, but that God is there for us always.  Otherwise…the numbness takes over and the waves of sadness threaten to take us under.  God is our refuge and strength.  Do not be afraid I am with you always.  I have called you by name and you are mine. I will never leave you.  God’s promises are amazing.

I love the song Always by Building 429, especially the chorus…

I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always

Some of this is the realization that it’s my duty, my responsibility, to pass on the importance of family to my children.  Even if it isn’t identical to what my husband experienced as a kid, even if it doesn’t match what I remember as a kid, what matters is that we have continue to pass on the values and the love of God to our children. 

In all of this, I could not be more proud of my children.  Their strength inspires me.  They refuse to give up when life is tough.  They have compassion for those who are hurting. They are full of hope and the love of God.  They inspire me to be a better person. They choose hope.

Always

Building 429

from the album Building 429

I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night 
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye 
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise 
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside 
She said, "He would've been three today 
I miss his smile, I miss his face" 
What was I supposed to say, but 

CHORUS 
I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always 

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home 
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone 
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye 
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside 
He's barely holding onto faith 
But deliverance is on its way, cause 

CHORUS 
I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always 

Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been 
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in 
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all 
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall 
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause 

I believe always, always 
Our savior never fails 
Even when all faith is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
Always, always, He will be with you always

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/building-429/songs/always-lyrics.aspx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVJpVBKfp7E