#whatamigoingtodowithoutyou

Just like the last post, the inspiration comes from Shelby’s friends.  While searching for the photos for the finding the good in goodbye blog entry, I found these photos in a photo album titled #whatamigoingtodowithoutyou….and I thought….what am I going to do without you… 

Here's my list so far...

I am going to love you and support you from far away.

I am going to remember all the amazing times we have spent together and look forward to when we spend time together again.

I am going to listen to you and be there for you from far away.

I am going to call you, text you, e-mail you, Facebook message you, Tweet at you, Instagram you, Facetime with you, and maybe even get Snapchat :)

I am going to pray for you.

I am going to thank God each day for the blessing you are in my life.

AND…I am going to make you smoothies whenever you are home :)

 

 

Finding the good in goodbye...

August 2013 was a month of goodbyes.  So bittersweet…  So much excitement and so much sadness all wrapped together.  With each passing day, we were one day closer to taking Shelby to college.  It’s a moment I have dreaded for years….wondering how I would ever survive saying goodbye.  As Shelby’s friends started leaving for college, it became more and more real that leaving for college was really happening….soon….

One of the first goodbyes for Shelby and her friends took place on a night that Shelby had to work at Target.  Her sweet friends visited her at work, so that she could be part of the goodbye.  They took photos and a friend posted them on Facebook under the album there is no good in goodbye.  The photos (a few are posted below) brought me to tears, as the reality of Shelby leaving suddenly, instantaneously, immediately, in this instant hit me…. her friends were leaving for school and she would leave soon, too.  At first, I totally agreed with album title there is no good in goodbye.  However, the longer I looked at the photos and thought about it, I decided I needed a change of perspective… I needed to find the good in goodbye. 

The search for the good in goodbye started simply with Shelby and her friends.  Shelby is blessed with amazing friends.  Goodbye wouldn’t hurt so badly, if they weren’t so amazing.  As a parent, I am so grateful for the tightknit group of friends Shelby developed throughout her high school years.  It may have taken them graduating for me to truly understand what a blessing they were in her life and in ours.  Goodbye is tough, especially when those you are leaving play such an integral part of your life.  I pray that they will remain friends for life.  The kind of friends that you can call at anytime regardless of how long it has been since you talked and it’s like nothing has changed.  The kind of friends where you hope when you grow up your kids are friends. 

My search continued.  I realized when you love someone unconditionally it’s hard to be sad when that someone is excited about what brings you tears.  Although nervous, Shelby was excited about starting college.  She was ready to start the next phase of her life.  It’s tough to think this next phase starts away from home...  without seeing her every day, taking care of whatever she needs help with, watching daily at how she deals with trial and triumph, and guiding her along.  My mind started wandering to how nothing in life stays the same.  Life is always changing; nothing stays stagnant.  Relationships are always growing and changing.  College is a time for our relationship to evolve. 

College is a time for Shelby to grow and change.  To take what we have taught her and apply it to life.  To choose what is most important to her.  To choose what she wants to be in this life.  While this is scary to think about, it’s also exciting.  It’s a time to trust that God will lead her and that she will follow.  When I get to this point, my perspective has changed, it makes life better.  God is good.  And there I have it….my search for the good in goodbye is over.  God is good.

My job as a parent is to trust…trust my daughter and trust in God.

AND……..Thanks to technology, Shelby is only a phone call, a text, an e-mail, a Facebook message, a Tweet, an Instagram, or a Facetime moment away :) 

Trust Me

I’ve been awake on and off since 4:30 this morning.  My mind is jumbled, my emotions are conflicting, and it’s seems like all I can do is pray to help try to sort it out.

We took Shelby to Senior Day at SDSU yesterday. 

When I think about sending her to college I am conflicted.  There’s so much excitement, so much planning, so much fear…

I am so proud of the person she is.  She has a heart for God.  She is responsible.  She is compassionate towards others.  She is fun-hearted.  She knows right from wrong.  She understands commitment.  She has hope.

I am so worried about her being on her own.  I worry about her being scared.  I worry about someone taking advantage of her kindness.  I worry about her stumbling, and having to pick herself up. 

I worry about myself.  It terrifies me to think about the day we drop her off, and have to walk away.  I worry about how empty I will feel inside when she leaves this house.

As I pondered all of this and more (trust me that is the condensed version above) from 4:30 on, I realized I was using the words like worried, scared, afraid, and terrified a lot.  This is supposed to be such an exciting time in all of our lives.  Those aren’t the words I should be focusing on.  I need to put my focus on God and his amazing plan for Shelby.  His plan doesn’t include words like worried.  God tells us not worry about tomorrow because today has enough problems of its own.  He tells us He knows the plans for our future and they are for us to prosper.  He has planned great things for us.  He says do not be afraid for He is with us always.  He says to trust in Him always, and He will show us the right way. 

My answer, my peace, my source of rest was right there all along; trust me.  I have to put my trust in God.  I have to fully trust that He will take care of Shelby.  It doesn’t mean that life won’t be tough, and that it won’t be a struggle driving away that day in August.  It doesn’t mean that I won’t experience worries and fears; just that I have to turn them over to God.  I have to trust Him to take care of Shelby and my family.

It settles me down and brings my thoughts back to how amazing Shelby is.  It reminds me to pray that God will keep showing her and us the plans He has for her future.  It reminds me how important it is to pray each day that He gives us wisdom and guides us in the right direction.    

I think about how proud I am of her.  

Bubblegummer

Bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish...

How many pieces do you wish?

5

1…2…3…4…5…

My mother told me to pick the very best one and you are not it…

I remember playing this game over and over as a kid.  It was so awesome to pick the right number of pieces of gum to be the one left, the winner, the one who was “it.”

When my niece, Hannah, was three, she started playing this game with some friends.  After several times playing Bubble Gum, Hannah became upset and got into a little bit of trouble.  My sister, Amy, talked to her about being nice with her friends, about playing the game, and about why Hannah was so upset.  Hannah blurted out through tears, "I just wanted to be the bubblegummer."  After playing several games of Bubble Gum, Hannah had not been picked to be it.   

I couldn’t help but giggle a little as my sister told me about Hannah's tough day.  As I stopped to think about it, the idea of being the bubblegummer stuck with me :)  I mean isn't that what we all want?  We want to be the bubblegummer.  We want to be the winner, the one who triumphs, the one who doesn’t have problems, the one who gets to be it!  It's tough to watch others get to be the bubblegummer over and over and not have a turn.

Sometimes in life that’s how it feels.  It feels like we go through a dry spell of being the bubblegummer.  It feels like everyone else gets more turns than us getting to be it. 

Last Sunday the pastor used this verse in his sermon; “We are afflicted, but not crushed…” 2 Corinthians 4:8.  The verse made me think about how in life we are troubled and at times feel great suffering and anguish, but we are never crushed.  God is always there to give us exactly what we need, when we need it. 

The more I thought about being the bubblegummer, the more I realized I already am the bubblegummer each and every moment with God.  Each of us is the bubblegummer in God's eyes!  While the ways of this world may make it seem like others are always the bubblegummer, in God’s world, each of us is the bubblegummer.  We are it, every single one of us...no taking turns.  So sit back and smile, it doesn’t matter which number you pick, as long as you pick God…You are the bubblegummer :)

I Choose Hope

It’s approaching 2 years since my dad passed away.  It still baffles me at times.  I feel like I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand this side of Heaven why he was taken that day.  It doesn’t mean that the wounds are healed completely; the scars remain.  The grief is not as intense and the “roller coaster” does not have as many ups and downs.  I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him, though, and…

It breaks my heart…especially for my girls.  They have lost so much.  It’s hard to explain the level of pain felt when you miss your own dad for yourself but then it is compounded because you miss him for your own kids.  There are so many things that he will miss out on that I know he would have been there for because I remember my own grandparents being there for me.  For my kids, though, it’s more than just my dad….it’s James’s parents too…his dad passed away before we were married, and his mom has been gone 7 years now, and great-grandparents.  It’s hard to comprehend why the girls have lost so much. 

It’s so hard to see the tears of your daughter on prom because grandpa isn’t there to see her in her dress.  Or at dance recital during ballet when I am brought  to tears watching a daughter dance in her pointe shoes, knowing how proud they would have been of her. 

It pains me so much.  In this pain, though, I have to make a choice…numbness or hope. 

I choose hope.  I choose to remember that all things work together for good.  I choose to remember how many other amazing people my kids have in their lives.  I choose to remember we are not alone and that God has provided for us.  He has not left us alone.  My children still have Bev and my mother and her husband in their lives.  I choose to acknowledge the pain instead of becoming numb.  Numbness is scary. 

I choose to look to the Heavens for the strength during these times instead of letting the numbness take over.  God promises that He will not give us more than we can handle.  He also promises that He has amazing plans for our futures;   plans for us to prosper.  During the times when I miss my dad and others the most, I have to remember this.  Because, honestly, how else do you comfort a child who is missing their loved one on a day when you don’t want them to be sad?  There is no other way but to turn to God.  What an amazing opportunity to remind our kids that there are pains on this Earth that we will never understand, but that God is there for us always.  Otherwise…the numbness takes over and the waves of sadness threaten to take us under.  God is our refuge and strength.  Do not be afraid I am with you always.  I have called you by name and you are mine. I will never leave you.  God’s promises are amazing.

I love the song Always by Building 429, especially the chorus…

I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always

Some of this is the realization that it’s my duty, my responsibility, to pass on the importance of family to my children.  Even if it isn’t identical to what my husband experienced as a kid, even if it doesn’t match what I remember as a kid, what matters is that we have continue to pass on the values and the love of God to our children. 

In all of this, I could not be more proud of my children.  Their strength inspires me.  They refuse to give up when life is tough.  They have compassion for those who are hurting. They are full of hope and the love of God.  They inspire me to be a better person. They choose hope.

Always

Building 429

from the album Building 429

I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night 
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye 
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise 
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside 
She said, "He would've been three today 
I miss his smile, I miss his face" 
What was I supposed to say, but 

CHORUS 
I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always 

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home 
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone 
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye 
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside 
He's barely holding onto faith 
But deliverance is on its way, cause 

CHORUS 
I believe always, always 
Our Savior never fails 
Even when all hope is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
He will be with you always 

Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been 
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in 
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all 
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall 
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause 

I believe always, always 
Our savior never fails 
Even when all faith is gone 
God knows our pain and his promise remains 
Always, always, He will be with you always

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/building-429/songs/always-lyrics.aspx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVJpVBKfp7E

It’s All About Perspective…

I wasn’t familiar with the song, Happy, by Leona Lewis prior to a dance competition last year.  It took me awhile to figure out what the song was, but the line, I’m just trying to be happy, stuck with me. 

A few months ago a little girl a few rows up from us in church stood up, started clapping and with a huge smile started shouting happy, happy, happy, happy, happy….  All I could think was isn’t that what we all want?

Don’t we all just want to be happy.  It’s so hard though.  It’s so hard when everything seems like such a struggle.  When it seems there is just always something... 

For me, the last year and a half, it’s been dealing with grief, emptying the house from the threat of a flood, worrying about medical and personal issues of others, stressing at work and at home over numerous issues, and the list could go on and on…  It just seems like one thing after another; a never-ending cycle.

Around Thanksgiving time, Shelby had an episode at school where her lips turned blue during fitness and aerobics.  Her doctor did an EKG and it showed some potential slight abnormalities. The doctor stressed that she was sending us on to a pediatric cardiologist just as a precaution and that we should try not to be alarmed.  I walked out of the doctor’s office and thought why can’t we catch a break God?  Why is it one thing after another after another.  We’ve lost 4 loved ones in the past 7 years, we’re still dealing with my Dad’s death and estate, we’ve dealt with the threat of the flood of our home, and numerous medical and personal issues of family members.  We’re trying to make tough decisions daily that we don’t feel “adult” enough to make. We’re trying to learn so many things that Dad always just took care of, why can’t we catch a break.  We are trying to live like God calls us to, and there are pressures everywhere.  I don’t know if I can take anything more.  The thought of something wrong with my child’s heart was more than I could bear.  Why, why, why is it one thing after another? Why can’t we catch a break, Lord?

As I cried out to God, everything changed in a split second.  Suddenly, I realized maybe we were getting a break.  If there was something wrong with her heart, we were finding out now rather than getting a phone call that something catastrophic happened at school or during a sports event. 

Our home didn’t flood.  God kept our home dry this summer.  The medical and personal issues of family members are improving.  God is showing us the way with everything Dad always took care of.  We just have to trust Him.  Through my anguish, God spoke to me.  It’s all about perspective.

It’s so easy to get sucked into the cycle of why me?!?  It’s difficult to maintain perspective - struggles are a part of life, but God will get us through. As desperately as I want to be happy and life to be easy, God doesn’t promise us that we will always be happy during this earthly life.  He does promise to stay by our side, though.  I have to constantly remind myself of this.  There will be aches and pains during this lifetime, but God will never leave our side.  He is always with us.  Sometimes the struggle or trial which seems too much to bear is really God saving us from something worse.  Sometimes in life when we look back, this struggle or trial doesn't make sense and never will during this earthly life.  But, sometimes, in life when we look back, it all makes sense.  Something that seemed like an inconvenience or another trial was far from it because it allowed something beautiful to happen or heartache to be avoided.  It’s all about perspective and keeping our eyes on Heaven where true happiness is found and is waiting.  Although earthly happiness is faltering, God is not.  

The pediatric cardiologist diagnosed Shelby with exercise-induced asthma, but found nothing wrong with Shelby's heart.  God is good and watching out for us always.

One of my new favorite songs is Where I Belong by Building 429.  The lyrics and video with lyrics are below. 

I love this part…

So when the walls come falling down on me 
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea 
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

It reminds me to be so grateful for all the things God has done for me and provided.  I am blessed.  It’s all about perspective.

Where I Belong

Building 429

from the album Listen To The Sound

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching 
From the outside 
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing 
But am I alive?
I will keep searching for answers 
That aren't here to find

(Chorus)
All I know is I'm not home yet 
This is not where I belong 
Take this world and give me Jesus 
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me 
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea 
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

Chorus

When the earth shakes 
I wanna be found in You 
When the lights fade 
I wanna be found in You

Chorus (X2)

Where I belong (X4

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/building-429/songs/where-i-belong-lyrics.aspx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Hoq44rFNbhY

Running

stylefile.com

My husband has this shirt.  It pretty much expresses my feelings (prior to the past few months) about running.  I never understood why people ran.  I was supportive of and encouraged my daughter to participate in cross country at school.  I didn't really understand why my husband started running when he did a couple of years ago, but figured it was him running and not me, so his choice.  I listened when friends and family told me I should try running....I would feel better....It would relieve stress..blah, blah, blah

A few months ago something changed.  I went running (a slow job/walk) when it had been a year since my dad died.  It felt so good.  After that, I went a few other times, but nothing consistent until I heard about the Couch to 5K program.  I was inspired to give it a try (Thanks Jan and Lianna and Amy), and am so grateful for the encouragement of my family :)  Couch to 5K gave me a program to follow.  It gave me an instant goal.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

I have finished the Couch to 5K program now.  I am still running :)  Running is a great stress reliever.  It provides me with a way to clear my mind and regain focus.  It is something that my dad would be proud of me for.  Running has taught me a lot about myself...

1.  I am not a quitter. 

There are so many times I have wanted to quit when it gets tough running, but I don't.  I remind myself that I don't quit.  I remember everything I have been through and that I have made it.  I don't quit.  

2.  Sometimes times are tough but God will get me through.

When I want to quit, I don't because I know God will not let me down.  He has not left me through all of the difficult times in life, and He won't now.

3.  Turn off the shake to shuffle on your iphone when you run with a playlist :)

4.  I am stronger than I believe.

The first time I ran a 5K I hadn't finished the training.  I ended up running the entire race.  It was so hard.  When I wanted to quit the most Philippians 4:13 popped into my head.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  This got me through.  

5.  I am a fighter.

Within a few minutes, someone passed me whose t-shirt said pain is just weakness leaving the body.  It reminded me that with every step as I fought the pain off I was getting stronger.